I know that some of you are nervously clutching your pearls as you begin reading this, thinking to yourselves, "Waitaminite now! Where is she heading with this!?" But let's really think about this. I've said here before. I love a nice piece of jewelry. I don't have a whole lot of nice jewels, but I'm growing more and more fond of nice pieces and slowly obtaining them. So, diamonds are near and dear to my heart. But, a diamond ain't never made me shiver.
When I was in South Carolina this past weekend, my mother, sister, two nieces and I were in Walmart [didn't everybody go there at least once last weekend?] when I noticed a display case that had small "Personal Massagers" for $4.97. Now, I don't currently own a "personal massager" but I have been known to have one on hand for those cold and lonely nights in the past. But, I had to get rid of the last one I owned because I was wearing that thing out!!! It was too much and I needed to come up for air! It was difficult weaning myself off of that thing, but I managed to successfully. I felt like Pookie in New Jack City some nights, because once you've found yourself a great "personal massager" unless you are with a man, you don't really want to try out too many other methods...but I made it through "detox" in one piece.
Oh shuddup! Don't act like you don't/didn't/haven't!! When I saw the price of Walmart's offering, and it looked so compact and ready for "the job" [mmmmm] I almost leapt. But, I didn't because I didn't want my mother to see me buying it!!! I mean, the thought of her asking me about it was too much to bear!! And, trust me she would have said something. "Why are you getting that? Is your back bothering you? Maybe you should go to the doctor if your back is bothering you. I don't think that thing is going to really be able to help your back...How long has it been bothering you?" I just couldn't bear it. So, I walked away, staring over my shoulder at "what might have been".
Now, back to my posit that diamonds are not a woman's best friend. We all owe a special homage to the one
who created the "personal massager" whomever that is, and I don't feel like Googling it. I watched a doc on the History Channel a few weeks ago that talked about how they used to be used for "medicinal" purposes back in the day, but I can't remember if credit was given to any single brave pioneer who didn't think it a crime to explore her own nether-region. Although I do recall the doc mentioning that there was evidence of some primitive "personal massagers" before man had even invented the wheel. Okay, I can't remember for sure if it was before the wheel was invented, but it was a long damn time ago. Google it for yourself. I think that documentary I'm speaking of is called simply, "Sex" and different aspects are explored on each episode.
Diamonds are gorgeous. Diamonds are precious. Diamonds are great. And, long after the man I'm to marry has slipped that rock onto my finger and asked me to be his, I will cherish it with all of my heart and love him to the day I die. BUT, when he's on that road, getting it done to pay those bills or hell going to a football game with his boys--and I get that "itch" [you know the one]. If I want to go ahead and scratch it right quick, no matter how hard I stare into those prisms of light, a diamond just isn't going to get the job done. But, that "personal massager". Ohhhh, that personal massager...forgive me for the mild blasphemy, but THAT is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.
Now, if I can only remember to get to Walmart tonight to buy myself a good old pal. Who says you can't buy friends? --SUGAR
Recent Comments